you blog about your kids….

Me: I think I’ll sit down and read all of the internet. That sounds like a nice way to relax while the 4.8 million grams of caffeine I ingested today slowly works out of my system. Goodness, this couch is comfortable and how I love being in sweats. Isn’t the world a better place when you don’t need to wear real pants? Ahh, I feel better. I feel relaxed. Dare I say it? I feel happy.

Cat: I WILL WALK ALL OVER YOUR LAPTOP AND TIP OVER THAT GLASS OF WATER. HAHA, HUMAN. BOW BEFORE ME. BOOOOOOW.

*furnace kicks on*

Cat: OH MY GOD THE END IS NIGH! I SHALL RUN AND HIDE! OH, PLEASE, MY LOVING CARETAKER, SAVE ME FROM THAT WRETCHED SOUND. I LOVE YOU. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU.

Some days I think that I’m in a really long game against the cat. Let me remind you all that he is NOT my cat. No, this little ball of hate and hellfire belongs to my former roommate who, after she left me for a man, begged me to keep her cat. And I did. because I’m a sucker. And she knows it. Dick. Anyway. Rhys and I have come to an understanding. I feed him and give him a clean place to crap and he doesn’t eat my face.

Except, well, most of the time I think he’s still planning on eating my face. He looks at me sometimes and just stares. Like he’s trying to see into my soul. Or he stares as though he’s charting my weaknesses and organizing a battle plan of attack. He will take any opportunity to wound me. Thankfully since he’s also insane and scared of his own fur, Rhys’ plans are often foiled by his own crazy.

Most days we sit around and ignore each other. He has his couch. I have mine. We don’t talk. I don’t speak cat so a conversation is pretty pointless. He pretends not to understand anything I say which is a total lie. That cat knows. He KNOWS when I’ve called him an asshole. And I think he smirks too.

The fact that this cat is such a dick honestly makes me love him more.

There will come a day when I forget to feed him because I’m thinking of something really important. Like twitter. Or Doctor Who. Or pizza. And on that day? Rhys is going to eat my face. I bet the little shit won’t feel sorry about it either.

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