I am NOT a domestic goddess.

Not having a car (oh, right.. I don’t currently have a car. It’s hell) makes the simplest tasks insanely complicated. For example, if I had a car I would call a bakery, order a cake and drive to pick it up. Easy, right?

Well, I don’t have a car. And so instead of ordering a cake from a bakery LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO, I decided to bake a cake. From scratch. I didn’t even use a mix. And I’ve learned one thing… I am not a domestic goddess. Actually, I’ve learned two things. I am not a domestic goddess and Julie has my undying appreciation and admiration.

One of my co-workers is having a birthday tomorrow and I’ve decided that there needs to be more cake in the world and so I’ve started getting cakes for all the birthdays. Because cake. I emailed my lovely co-worker, who is also named Julie and is also amazing, but not the above referenced amazing Julie and asked her what her favorite kind of cake was.

Julie, I love you, but the correct answers to this are as follows: chocolate, white, yellow, banana. Julie, however, picked German Chocolate Cake. All right, I told myself. I can do this. It’s just baking. HOW HARD CAN THIS BE?

Hard. And messy. And really messy. And recipes are confusing. For the record, I am using this one and I’ve no idea how it’s going to turn out. I’m terrified it’ll taste like crap and I’ll have to call in an order for a good cake and borrow a car to go pick it up. And because my kitchen looks like someone vomited flour, I’m not going to share pictures of this process. You can expect that from those bloggers who have skill and talent and stuff.

My biggest gripe of this process is when I was told to “save the egg whites for another recipe” when really they meant KEEP THESE EGG WHITES YOU’RE GONNA NEED THEM IN LIKE TEN MINUTES. Oh, hahah, you threw them away? JOKE IS ON YOU FOR NOT READING AHEAD BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT WE’D BE CLEAR WITH OUR INSTRUCTIONS. HAHAHA, FOOL.

Screw you, Betty Crocker.

Edited: I think this cake might not taste like death.

Edited again: I finished.

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3 thoughts on “I am NOT a domestic goddess.

  1. I feel your pain. That’s why my wife is amazing. She makes almost everything we eat from scratch. We don’t even buy bread from the store anymore. I’m like, “That’s a lot of work. How do you do it”. And she’s all like, “Meh. It’s not problem. It’s really easy”. I’m like, “fuck you”, cause I can’t bake for shit.

  2. [...] And lately I’ve been attempting to bake. You all remember the hell I went through with the cake, right? Well tonight I decided that I would try making a pie. I cheated a little and used a [...]

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